Grief: The Emotion Nobody Teaches You to Process

Nobody teaches you how to grieve.

We're taught to tie our shoes, solve equations, file taxes. But when someone dies, when a relationship ends, when a future you imagined evaporates, you're on your own. Figure it out. Move on. Get closure.

Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, yet we treat it like a problem to be solved quickly rather than a process to be lived through.

Here's what I wish someone had told me.

Grief Isn't Just About Death

We typically associate grief with death, but grief is the natural response to any significant loss:

• Death of a loved one
• End of a relationship
• Loss of a job or career
• Loss of health or ability
• Loss of a future you expected (infertility, a dream unrealized)
• Loss of safety after trauma
• Loss of identity (retirement, empty nest, major life transitions)
• Loss of a pet
• Loss of a friendship
• Loss of youth, innocence, or a sense of the world as safe

If something meaningful was there and now it isn't, grief is the appropriate response. Don't let anyone minimize your loss because it's not the "right" kind.

What Grief Actually Feels Like

Grief isn't one emotion. It's many, often showing up unexpectedly and contradictorily:

Sadness: The obvious one. Deep, heavy, sometimes physical.

Anger: At the person who left, at the world, at yourself, at God, at whoever's nearby.

Guilt: What you should have said, should have done, could have prevented.

Relief: Sometimes, especially after prolonged illness or difficult relationships. Then guilt about the relief.

Numbness: Protective emotional shutdown. Everything feels distant.

Anxiety: About the future, about forgetting, about the world without this person or thing.

Longing: An ache for what's lost, for one more conversation, one more day.

Confusion: Disorientation, difficulty concentrating, feeling lost.

Physical symptoms: Exhaustion, changes in appetite, sleep disruption, chest tightness.

All of these are normal. The absence of expected emotions is also normal. Grief has no rules.

The Stages Myth

You've probably heard of the "five stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. This model has become deeply embedded in our culture.

But here's what its creator, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, clarified before her death: these stages were never meant to be a linear path everyone follows. They were observations about common grief experiences, not a prescription.

What's actually true:

• People don't move through stages in order
• You might experience some and not others
• You might revisit the same feelings multiple times
• There's no timeline for grief
• "Acceptance" doesn't mean being okay with the loss

The stages model can actually harm grievers by making them feel they're "doing it wrong" if their experience doesn't match the pattern.

What Grief Is Really Like

A more accurate model is that grief comes in waves.

At first, the waves are constant and enormous. You're drowning, gasping for air between them.

Over time, the waves become less frequent. They're still powerful when they hit, but there are longer stretches of calm between them. You learn to swim. Some waves still knock you down, but you know now that you'll resurface.

Grief doesn't end; it changes. The loss becomes woven into your life rather than dominating it.

What Doesn't Help

"At Least..."

"At least they're not suffering anymore." "At least you had them for so long." "At least you're young enough to find someone else."

These statements minimize pain by trying to find silver linings. The intention may be good, but the effect is making the griever feel their loss doesn't warrant their feelings.

"I Know How You Feel"

You don't. Even if you've experienced similar loss, grief is deeply personal. What helps: "I've been through something similar and I'm here."

Timelines and Expectations

"It's been six months; shouldn't you be over it?" "When are you going to move on?" "They would want you to be happy."

Grief takes as long as it takes. External pressure to conform to timelines adds shame to already heavy pain.

Spiritual Bypassing

"Everything happens for a reason." "God needed another angel." "They're in a better place."

For some people, spiritual beliefs are genuinely comforting. But imposed from outside, especially when not requested, these statements can feel dismissive.

Distraction Pressure

"You need to stay busy." "Don't think about it so much." "Let's go out, it'll take your mind off things."

Sometimes distraction helps. But constant avoidance prevents processing. Grievers need permission to feel, not only permission to escape.

What Actually Helps

Let Yourself Feel

The only way out of grief is through. Allow the feelings to come. Cry if you need to. Be angry if you're angry. Don't judge your emotions or try to hurry them along.

Talk About It

About the person. About what you're feeling. About how random Tuesday afternoons suddenly feel unbearable. Verbalization helps process.

Find people who can listen without trying to fix. This is harder than it sounds; most people are uncomfortable with grief and want to make it better. Seek out those who can simply be present.

Create Rituals

Humans have always used ritual to mark loss:

• Light a candle on anniversaries
• Write letters to the person
• Visit meaningful places
• Keep objects that hold memories
• Create a memorial practice that works for you

Rituals give shape to shapeless grief.

Take Care of Your Body

Grief is exhausting. It depletes physical resources. Attend to basics:

• Sleep (even if it's hard)
• Eat (even if you have no appetite)
• Move (even just a walk)
• Limit alcohol (it's a depressant and disrupts sleep)

Your body is processing this too.

Find Your People

Grief support groups exist for a reason. Being with others who understand, who don't need explanations, who aren't trying to fix you, can be profoundly healing.

Organizations like GriefShare, The Dougy Center, and local hospices offer groups. Online communities can help if in-person feels like too much.

Write

Expressive writing about loss has documented benefits. Not for anyone to read. Just to externalize what's inside.

Write about the person. Write about your anger. Write letters you'll never send. Let the words carry some of the weight.

Be Patient with Yourself

Grief affects cognition. You'll forget things. You'll be less productive. You'll make mistakes. This is normal and temporary. Lower your expectations and give yourself grace.

Seek Professional Help When Needed

Sometimes grief becomes complicated: it intensifies over time rather than gradually softening, or it leads to serious depression, substance abuse, or inability to function.

Signs you might need professional support:

• Suicidal thoughts
• Inability to function in daily life after extended time
• Turning to substances to cope
• Grief that's intensifying rather than evolving
• Feeling "stuck" in one aspect of grief

This isn't weakness. It's getting appropriate care.

The Long View

Grief doesn't end. But it transforms.

The sharp, constant pain eventually becomes something you carry differently. The loss is always part of you, woven into who you are, but it doesn't define every moment.

You don't "get over" significant loss. You integrate it. You build a life that includes the absence. You learn to hold joy and sorrow simultaneously.

This isn't betrayal of the loss. It's honoring it by continuing to live.

For Those Supporting Grievers

If someone you care about is grieving:

Show up. Don't wait for them to ask. Bring food. Check in. Be present.

Listen more than you talk. You don't need to say the right thing. Just be there.

Say their name. Grievers often fear their loved one will be forgotten. Use the name. Share memories.

Don't disappear. Support often floods in immediately, then vanishes. The griever still needs you at month three, six, twelve.

Let them lead. Sometimes they want to talk about it. Sometimes they want to be distracted. Follow their cues.

Forget timelines. Grief takes however long it takes.

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ILTY is available for the quiet hours when grief feels most present. When you need to talk about someone you've lost, when the waves hit unexpectedly, when you just need someone to listen without trying to fix it. Not a replacement for human connection or professional help. A companion for the moments between.

Try ILTY Free when you need someone to listen.

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Related Reading

• Building Emotional Resilience: The complete guide to emotional wellness.
• How to Process Difficult Emotions: A deep dive into emotional processing.
• Why Toxic Positivity Fails: When "stay positive" does more harm than good.